One time many years ago my good friend juicy brought home a giant jar of pickled eggs to the bachelor pad, the diamond of rose st. Now my pallet is much more refined now and I probably wouldn’t partake of some sketchily prepared pickled eggs these days. However; as a bachelor whose idea of a gourmet meal is some ramen with soy sauce this was quite the treat.
Giddy with excitement and the knowledge that this entire jar pretty much was going to keep me alive for the next week because my standards were lower than everyone else’s. I would plunge my hands into this spring of life and nibble upon the fruits within. I don’t know if you’ve ever had a pickled egg but its not exactly a Gordon Ramsey experience. I’m sure all nutritional value of the egg is perverted and distorted. The white gets a really weird rubbery texture and the yolk turns into an orb of chalk. Small bites result in a lackluster treat that’s not really all that enjoyable. Typical Johnny though is not about nibbling. I shove an entire blob into my mouth chew twice and swallow cause I don’t have time to waste with mundane tasks like chewing. I got weights to lift and beers to drink. However; the dusty sphere has other plans. Not content with descending into my stomach it decides to hang out in my windpipe.
I’m usually not someone who panics in any situation but when you are completely deprived of life giving oxygen time isn’t exactly on your side. The completely hopeless feeling of not being able to expand your lungs is quite nerve wracking. I clutch at my throat and look around for assistance. My good friend Scotty too Hotty’s girlfriend, whom I lovingly call Manda Bear, is looking on with a disgusted curiosity at the fact I’m scarfing down pickled eggs from an unknown source suddenly realizes that I am, in fact, about to die immediately calls for Scotty’s assistance.
Scotty being my closest friend springs into action in fear of losing his Johnny and leaning on his eagle scout training tries desperately to perform a Heimlich maneuver. I’m not knocking Scotty’s life saving ability but I do question his training as he wraps his large powerful arms around my bosom perhaps the severity of the situation made scotty give in to his primal desires as he clutched at my man boobs and began to pelvic thrust the hell out of my ass. Ordinarily I would be trembling with excitement but given the circumstances I could only think “Oh shit, I’m fucked.” As I tried to pry Scotty’s hands from my breasts and place them underneath my diaphragm, on scotty thrusted deeper and harder. Like an overzealous prom date scotty humped my supple derriere into oblivion. Manda bear looked on in what I can only assume was jealousy at this point.
After what seemed like an eternity Scotty collapses in a heap needing a cigarette. Having set a personal record of one minute I look at Manda bear in sympathy and realize my life is now in my own hands. I stagger outside to the deck knowing that I somehow have to give myself the Heimlich. I begin to jump high into the air and slam my rippling six pack into the railing of the deck over and over. Suddenly a poof of greenish tinted yellow powder springs from my throat like a geyser of yolk. Air reenters my lungs I AM ALIVE! The realization of my mortality takes over. I was almost killed by a hardboiled egg. What an embarrassing way to go out. I embrace Scotty now closer than ever and retreat to my bed room to contemplate the meaning of life and nurse my bruised booty.
Mixed feelings of fear and homoerotic energy prevent me from ever trying a pickled egg again. Remember life can be taken at moments notice. Please nibble your eggs.
This happened many years ago some artistic license may have been taken but I’m pretty sure Manda Bear can corroborate these events.