Everyone has flaws and I guess mine is that I am just so freakishly strong that the sheer might of me flexing tore my bicep muscle tendon. So now my right arm is reduced to that of a normal man. I am going to have to go under the knife and have complete reconstruction performed. However that is not what this post is about.
While meeting with the surgeon so he could answer all my questions he told me my right arm is for the most part going to be useless and locked into a position after surgery for at least a few weeks before they will let me start to work on range of motion. My first initial thought was “bro, how am I gonna wipe my ass.” Which I think is probably most people’s first thought but maybe not their first question. Well, Johnny doesn’t beat around the bush. I’m not scared to ask the tough questions. He replied, “Well I guess you’re just going to have to sloppily wipe it with your left hand.. orrr you could stop being a savage and get a bidet.” I guess thats why hes a doctor and I’m just a male model.
Following the dr’s advice I immediately did my favorite thing and peruse the bowels (pun intended) of amazon. Of course I am a man of quality so I selected the cheapest one I could find. Which was basically just a garden hose with one of those old school sink sprayers on it. Good enough for me! When it finally arrived I knew I had to install it quickly because I only have one more day where I still have two somewhat usable arms and my wife is ,to put it nicely, really dumb when it comes to that kind of thing.
Installation was super easy I didn’t even need any instructions as if I’ve ever looked at any before. NO ONE TELLS ME WHAT TO DO! It even came with the most adorable roll of teflon tape that I’ve ever seen. After about 3 minutes it was totally installed and I was hosing down the toilet from across the bathroom due to the ample amount of hose that was supplied. At first I was like this is entirely too much but was having too much fun to care. I was super excited to give it a try but also worried that it may not work well due to my ample derriere. Ya boy is THICC. Since I can’t evacuate my colon on command I had to wait..
Due to my high fiber intake and super efficient digestive system I didn’t have to wait long. Giddy with excitement I skipped into the bathroom. I can’t remember the last time I was this excited to launch a butt torpedo. My offering to the porcelain altar was pleasant and smooth if you were wondering. With great trepidation my hand trembled as I clutched the cool metal of the handle. Since I was about to be down my dominant hand I opted to go southpaw to make sure it was possible. Despite my left hand having the dumb it felt naturally in my grasp. The ergonomic handle felt as if it was specifically made for me. The luxurious chrome finish glistened under the cool soft blue lighting of my fortress of solitude. The solid steel fittings were a testament to the craftsmanship that was applied to this piece of equipment. I could instantly tell this was made with love by some 12 yr old kid in China. The extra long flexible tubing allowed me to have the freedom to soak my sphincter from multiple different angles. I opted to approach directly from the rear a classic safe maneuver that I felt would negate any splash back I may encounter. Now was the moment of truth.
I gently pulled the trigger anticipating to spray my chocolate starfish with freezing cold water. My rectum was met with a cool invigorating blast of effervescent water. The tension on the handle was perfect I was able to perfectly select the proper amount of pressure to apply to my bunghole. I played with the force of this conduit of cleanliness for probably a completely inappropriate amount of time. Testing a light gentle stream to full on pressure washing my precious orifice. No more did I have to wipe like a peasant. No more fear of my finger tearing through the delicate paper. No more rubbing my anus raw when you get one of those poos thats like a magic marker and just won’t stop no matter how many times you wipe. Elated with my new found freedom and pruney water-logged anus, I excitedly rushed to tell my wife about this fantastic invention.
She didn’t really seem to match my energy and enthusiasm about it but she was supportive nonetheless. Probably the best 15$ I’ve ever spent. Now I can’t wait to unleash another brown serpent. If you’ve been on the fence about getting a bidet it is definitely worth it. Time to treat yourself like royalty and take your seat on the porcelain throne like the king you are.