So, I’m old after you hit 30 it’s basically like your body just says fuck it and decides to just randomly start falling apart like a toddler playing Jenga there’s no rhyme or reason to what’s gonna hurt when you wake up tomorrow. You slept wrong? Guess what, you now can’t look to the left at all. Every week I have to inject medication to keep this old racehorse running at peak performance. One thing you have to do is aspirate the needle after you poke it in. Which is just pulling it back a little to make sure you aren’t mainlining straight into your blood stream. I however always just yolo and throw caution to the wind.
Honestly, it’s amazing that I’ve lived as long as I have. So, I stab it in, inject, and Wooooo like Ric Flair and slam that shit on the table. I am immediately overcome with the ominous feeling that something is wrong… Maybe I woooed too hard? I get really lightheaded and weak (probably more just reduced to that of a normal man) I feel like fire springs from my lungs like that of some medieval dragon but instead of actual fire (which would be cool) I am more spewing snot and phlegm from deep within my lungs all over my children’s confused faces. As they look on in horror and I prepare to meet my grizzly end it dawns on me what I have done. I have injected straight into a blood vessel which as you’ve guessed isnt where its supposed to go.
Luckily, I know this is a possibility even though I have done nothing to prevent it I know what’s going on and remain my usual cool as the other side of the pillow self. The oil the medicine is suspended in races through my veins like dale earnhart straight into my lungs. Oil doesnt exactly carry any oxygen so for a brief moment Im basically drowning and my lungs are all like bro this shit is fucked and do everything they can to evict these new tenants. Uncontrollable coughing ensues. My poor overworked heart desperately tries to keep oxygen going to my brain. I stumble to the bedroom where my sweet wife is and collapse a mess on the bed trying to get enough air into me to explain what’s going on. While she looks at me like a drama queen. I slowly regain my composure I silently wonder if this is enough to get me out of lawn work later.
My wife is all like okay princess you want me to call an ambulance? No, this is not enough to get me out of lawn work. I learned 2 valuable lesson that day. Always aspirate cause that shit is not fun and my family is not very sympathetic. It could be due to the fact I write super embarassing stories about them all the time I dunno…