So let me tell you about my night. I’ll preface this with I have 4 dogs 2 great Danes, a great Pyrenees and a rottweiler named Sho ‘Nuff. All massive dogs. They regularly get into wrestling matches that shake the house, except for the Great Pyrenees(Kasper) who is more like decor cause he basically just sits in his bed staring at the wall ( his eyes point two different directions so he can look at a lot of wall).
Anyway, I’m laying in bed about to go to sleep and the dogs decide to have an impromptu royal rumble on the other side of the bed. At first, I was like dogs chill out. They continued to get rowdier but usually when they wrestle they make all kinds of growling noises and barks. This time they were eerily quiet just a lot of hopping and bouncing around. I thought it was odd so I decided to investigate. I turned on the light which I guess startled the dogs so they kind of froze, and out of nowhere this blur with a really long tail goes scurrying across my feet under the bed. Chaos ensues. What the f*%k! I exclaimed. My Rottweiler and Great Danes were jumping all over the place trying to get under the bed Kasper naturally remained motionless in his bed. Meanwhile, I’m still trying to figure out what just happened. I try looking under the bed but like most people, there’s random junk under there so I can’t really see anything and I had no idea what it was so I wasn’t trying to get lunged at by some raccoon or possum.
I knew the first thing I had to do was restore order so I shooed the dogs outside (except for Kasper) and set about investigating. I slowly knelt down beside the bed with my flashlight and peered around. There in the corner, something odd, something scaly? It’s a… armadillo?! What the f*%k again I exclaim. So I see dead armadillos ran over on the road all the time but in my house under my bed?! What in the hell am I supposed to do with this thing? I contemplate flipping the bed over and curb stomping it, I even think of pulling out a .22 but both ideas are much too messy and I’m too lazy to go to the extra effort cleaning. This whole time I’m standing there in my underwears so I decide it would be prudent to put something on. Plus Kasper is looking at me all weird so I run and go put on my boots cause I have no earthly idea what an armadillo can do. Now that I’m protected with my boots I go for a better look. I kneel down and the armadillo has moved right in front of me! Im eye to eye looking at this ridiculous animal Kaspers useless ass is still in the corner one eye on me and one eye on the armadillo. In my genius, I decided to set a trap on the other side of the bed. I laid down a tall laundry basket hoping I can get him to scurry on in there. I grab a broom and get right to action. At first, I just gently prod and poke him. After all, hes having a pretty rough night. Armadillos not known for their intellect just sits there getting poked in the face with a broom handle. So I gave up on that and just shuffle boarded his ass right on across the floor to the other side of the bed. He was out in the open now probably confused as hell. I still had to get him into that basket tho so I slowly crept up onto the bed and worked my way above and behind him and mustered a bellowing HHYYYYAAAWWWW!!!! and smacked him on the haunches this definitely woke him up and he bolted straight into the hamper with such force that he stood it up upon crashing inside of it. Satisfied with a job well done I congratulated myself and thanked Kasper for all his help who at this point had fallen asleep and wheeled the hamper out the front door. I laid the hamper back down and thought he would emerge from it as one of those captured bears you see being released back into the wild on animal planet. I guess he felt pretty secure in this hamper so I had to dump him out. After encouraging him with my boot he scurried off the porch where he was promptly attacked by my cat and chased into the bushes. It was a rough night for that armadillo. I can only deduce that he snuck in through the doggy door and the dogs chased him to my room. Which now i discover that in their tussle mr armadillo managed to crap in the floor either out of fear or perhaps a defense mechanism. So now here i am cleaning armadillo crap up at midnight. Hope your night went better than mine.